A Leap into a New Chapter (where have I been the last 2 years?!)

Assalamualaikum, readers old and new! I am once again attempting to clear the cobwebs on this 'web'page, as it has metaphorically grown into, and penning (typing, more like) my first blog post in two years! And guess what? It's the 10th year anniversary of My Journey! Picture little Khadijah at 9 years old, excitedly typing with only her index fingers, painfully slowly too, about her very first travel - the post that kickstarted this whole series of journeys I have embarked on, both in body and spirit. Now picture her 10 years later; let me help you with that.

Here I am, 19 years old, sailing through quite the challenging journey of dark storms and great tides - here I am thousand of miles away from home, in London. You heard (um, read) that right. Somehow, sometime in late September, I stepped on that plane in synchrony with a leap into a fresh chapter of my life: university. Alhamdulillah, right now I am relaxing after finishing my first year (yep, I finished my FIRST YEAR) at University College London (UCL).

"But Khadijah! Your last post was about entering pre-university college! Now you've already completed your first year of uni?!" What can I say? It had been a rough 2 years, and I couldn't bring myself to relax enough to sit and write an update. But now I'll try summing up all the important events of the past years and the state of my mind as I go through these occurrences, up until now.

Now... where do I even start? January 2020, I was settling down in the dorms of KYUEM, thinking it was already far from home, juggling 3 A-level subjects and IELTS classes (yes, my schedule was VERY packed; I was also speedrunning Mathematics in anticipation of taking Further Mathematics in the second half of the year) while adjusting into the social life by participating in sports and club activities. I was involved in the Musolla Community as well, MUSCOM for short, and was part of the Public Relations faction. Heck, I was so ambitious I even considered applying for Student Council, but pulled out due to stress of both studies (even though it was still early on) and a little bit of homesickness. Keep in mind that this was only the first 3 months - I was already stressed from the large gap of knowledge from IGCSE to A-levels, and of course from adjusting to this new world away from home. Alhamdulillah for the friends I made, namely my apartmentmates at the time, that helped me go through it all.

Amidst the dark clouds (and escaping the monkeys), I still followed others into the fleeting sunlight and had study groups at the Resource Centre, participated in volleyball for Sports Carnival (we lost... but I had great fun!) attended forums involving deep talks about religion, politics, economy, etc., and took rewarding trips to the cafeteria after long days of classes for Kak Ana's famed Nasi Lemak Telur Goyang and fresh hot nuggets (oh, and waffles!). By March, I had taken my IELTS, so my schedule freed up only a tiny bit.

There ends my junior year of college - just kidding! No, actually, half-kidding, because the Movement Restriction Order was issued in the middle of the supposed term holidays in March - it was issued on my birthday, actually - and instead of a week break, we didn't see KY again until 3 months later. I had gone home assuming I'll be back in a blink of an eye, but I proceeded to endure online classes from home, with my parents working from home as well, and my kid brother Yusuf, who was six at the time and had his eyes glued to his mobile games if he wasn't in online class.

I thought, well, the situation favoured my introverted self and I could breeze through studying from within these familiar walls with no problem, but alas, I was dead wrong. The lack of physical class interactions and systematic online resources took a toll on me in a matter of weeks, and the comfort of my room was starting to look a lot like prison. Alhamdulillah, my family did all they could to help and support me.

Amidst studying, taking care of Yusuf and supporting my grandmother, who was going through radiotherapy at the time, I had pretty much melted into this new norm. We celebrated Eid just inside the house with my grandparents who were already living with us and relatives who lived close by. I had even taken up driving classes and commuted all the way to the next state before sunrise to endure hours and hours of circling around the circuit and sliding down the main road, with an instructor making me jump with all his sudden yells. Before I could get my license, it was announced that college will open again.

At first, I didn't want to go back to college. I was already to comfortable with being at home, and I thought maybe I could just speed up my study pace on my own. Plus I had online tuition as well for my subjects. But I knew it would be better for me to be in the environment of anxious yet disciplined students, even if we'd be having remote classes from our on-campus accommodations.

We came back on campus as seniors. After a few weeks of online classes, we had started physical classes again with all the necessary protocols (masking, hand sanitising, social distancing, temperature scanning, and classes were broken up into smaller groups too). There were also fresh juniors whom I tried to get to know and help where I could. I applied to be a peer tutor and my heart soared when I got my physics teacher's approval. Tutoring others really helped me improve myself as well. I did struggle, but I wasn't struggling alone and that was enough to get me pushing through. The COVID situation had died down to single digits and even 0 at this point. I could even go home to meet friends, went to Pahang to send my grandmother back and meet up with relatives, and went on vacation in Port Dickson. I came back to KY when my break was over. The rules were loose now and we were almost back to pre-COVID, we got to go on an outing too.

Then came the second wave.

We were all stranded on campus, and the co-op was always low on snacks. Kak Ana's stall closed and there were barely anything enjoyable for our stressed little brains. Alhamdulillah for the company of my apartmentmates and chalet friends who often visit and vice versa, but we were all just stressing out together. We relaxed a bit with walking around campus or cycling. The cases were rising so rapidly so there was no hope of going home for Eid al-Adha. It was so nice of our parents to drop by with some celebratory food, so we still could enjoy that for a bit, in our little apartment. Then, back to studying. An important exam was approaching, which would determine our forecast grades for university applications.

Alhamdulillah, my professors were generous enough to give me A*AA for my predicted grades, with an A* in physics, and the rest were chemistry and maths. What now? That's right, university applications. I was speedrunning my personal statement and asking for references and collecting all my past achievements that may be relevant to physics, the course I was applying for. I applied through UCAS to 5 UK universities: University of Cambridge, Imperial College London, University of Manchester, University of Edinburgh and University College London. Cambridge, as expected, had the most tedious application process, and the earliest deadline. They had no Physics course, so I applied for Natural Sciences instead. Once I submitted all the applications, I had to study for my actual Mathematics A-level in October. Little did I expect to be invited for an interview for Cambridge! I had mock interviews with MABECS and they were very helpful, but the actual interview didn't turn out as well as I wanted it to be. But it was better than expected, and the professor was nice to me, which helped a lot with my nerves.

Now, ultimately, I was rejected by Cambridge (thank you for everyone who gave me hope, but alas that's not where Allah wanted me to be), but of course I didn't know this until much later. My mathematics papers treated me okay, but embarrassingly as a physics student, I couldn't get the hang of mechanics at all. I did what I could, not leaving any question blank, and left the hall completely leaving my result in God's hand. And alhamdulillah I managed to grab an A.

We were allowed to go home for the end-of-year holidays, and carefully, after going through all necessary protocols, we went balik kampung to Pahang again and visited relatives, even had the opportunity for a trip to PD to celebrate my mother's birthday. I had outings and sleepovers with old friends as well. Now of course, that break extended too, so I had the time to do various new projects like baking, drawing and writing in midst of remote studies. My grandpa bought a carrom board, my brother got his own study space, and I got a little distracted, thus shown in my coming test results.

College reopened in late February, and I was told that my professor was disappointed in me, in light of recent test results, which made my mood plunge to the lowest of low. My parents had a talk with me, and I realised how behind I was and pushed myself to get back on track. My schedule is more free now that I dropped further mathematics and finished normal mathematics and IELTS - I literally only had two subjects left: physics and chemistry. And they blocks are always together too, so I had days when I finish early, of had my entire day free until 2pm. Now this sounded like a dream, but I was also on the verge of failing, so I had to make up with a lot of past paper speedruns. Thankfully I could go back for a short break and had an outing to Aquaria with my school friends, and tried experiencing the new VR place at the EVO mall.

The final grind came! That means we couldn't go home anymore so my parents dropped by for a short visit and sent some groceries, plus my baju raya since I couldn't celebrate at home. There was something special about celebrating Eid away from home for the first time. We video called and took screenshots wearing our matching baju raya together, and of course my college friends were great company. We had photoshoots and all, despite having to go to class right away the next day. The dining hall served raya food too! But we also had food poisoning the next day. Oh well.

Just like that, exam season befell upon us. We were all busy with our last-minute notes and quizzed each other in the subjects that we shared. We left the exam hall in silence or else we would probably break down. Reminder guys! Don't discuss papers afterwards, especially not opinions like "I think the paper was not that bad" because you have no idea if the other person thinks so - be considerate please! The papers were all spaced out from the end of April to early June. Somewhere in between, our moods changed from that of anxiety, to depression, and finally, acceptance. Tawakkaltu 'ala Allah. It's all up to Him now.

By now, all my universities had responded - rejected by Cambridge and Imperial, accepted by the rest, I had chosen UCL as my firm choice, and Edinburgh as insurance. By now I had also lost my great-grandmother, and I am grateful to my apartmentmates for comforting me as I sobbed that day, unable to say my final goodbyes. Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un. 

Finally, it was time to say goodbye to KY, where I had many firsts and all these bittersweet moments with companions I'd like to keep for life, until the hereafter in jannah insyaAllah. They've been there through the toughest times and we support each other wholeheartedly. Whatever the results will be, I know we've succeeded. I will forever keep you guys in my prayers. And to all the teachers as well, my other batchmates, my MUSCOM usrahmates, Ustazah Maiza, who reminded me of my place in this world, and to the cafeteria food, especially Kak Ana, who made her reappearance in the end.

Now what? Back to my bed in my little room, waiting for my results of course. My brother was now in first-grade and had his own (used) laptop for his online classes. My parents also had their own workspaces, my mother downstairs and my father upstairs next to the treadmill. We also bought this rowing machine which I occasionally hop on when I feel like being healthy. Every week we would retreat to our apartment at EVO for a breather, since we can't go out of town, and enjoyed the scenery from 31 stories above, which looked even more magical at sunset and sunrise - both of which could be viewed from the ceiling to floor tinted windows of the apartment. SubhanAllah. There my dad would have his work meetings and buy us ayam penyet from the stores below, and my mom would cook fried rice in the mornings and teach me how to make French toast, and my brother would just... well, while his time away with games.

One of the days we were there, my results came out. And, just as predicted, I grabbed an A* in physics, and an A in chemistry. Alhamdulillah, this means I got my place in UCL! With my unconditional offer, I could commence the process of scholarship application. We focused mainly on MARA's World Top University (WTU) programme, and alhamdulillah, I got it! But the difficult part was accepting the scholarship, which rendered not only me, but my parents, uncles and aunties busy as well. We spent weeks printing official forms and papers, carefully filling in the blanks in a few copies, printing new copies when we make a slight error, and so on. Eventually, I became a scholar of MARA, and the only travel preparations are left.

I got fully vaccinated within three weeks, had a final sleepover with my friends, packed instant food pastes and teh tarik packets, and was finally ready to fly. With all the not-so-tearful goodbyes, I waved up at my family and disappeared past the immigration, boarding onto my business class seat (hehe). 

Now, this post has gone on long enough, so I'll stop here for now. No worries, I'll come back sooneer than you think! I'm excited to tell you guys all about my first year in uni :> Assalamualaikum and thanks for reading!